Black Widow
by Meloko
Summary: When Sam looses someone close to her it forces her to look at her past relationships…..


TITLE: Black Widow  
  
AUTHOR: Meloko  
  
EMAIL: faithz_angel@hotmail.com  
  
ARCHIVE: my website is http://home.talkcity.com/BoxOfficeBlvd/cleopatra- 1st/stargate.html and any who wants it.  
  
CATEGORY: POV, thoughts  
  
SPOILERS: In the Line of Duty, Summit, Tok'ra part 1 and 2, Ascension, First Commandment, Between Two Fires, Divide and Conquer, Meridian and slight Revelations  
  
SEASON/SEQUEL: Season 5  
  
RATING: PG  
  
CONTENT WARNINGS:  
  
SUMMARY: When Sam looses someone close to her it forces her to look at her past relationships…..  
  
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine; the actual story is written by yours truly, but the characters and name etc, don't belong to me.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The evidence really to a statement a friend made. Also boredom kicked in and I was determined to write a fic so here's the result….  
  
Feedback would really be appreciated; did u love/hate it, any comments would really help.  
  
Black Widow  
  
Every one I love dies. Sometimes it takes longer, but eventually they're all taken away from me. A curse that stops me from every finding true happiness. That was why when most offer affection to me, I turn away. Martouf or Lantash, I was never really sure, that was my problem. He loved me, or was it Jolinar? He could still see her in me, was that why he loved me? Was that why he cared so deeply, he just wanted the last part of his love to survive?  
  
Orlin was nice. He was…different. I didn't love him I don't know whether I could have ever done. What I felt for him, I don't really understand. A strong attraction and I felt relaxed around him. Well, when I didn't know I was being watched. Then he ascended. He wasn't really human when I first met him. He didn't die like Martouf did, but then Lantash still survived for a short time afterwards. Till he saw me again. Am I jinxed?  
  
There must be something about me. Do I drive men to death, or just to insanity and then they die? I drove Jonas insane. I rejected him when he came on too strong; I knew there was something…different about him. After me knocking his affection back, what happened? He thought he was a God; he enslaved people, nearly killed me and had not a single drop left of humanity in him in the end. That was what happened after my rejection, that and his death.  
  
He wanted to take me with him. His revenge for what I had done to him. If they hadn't died would one of my ex's…. admirers…. have killed me? What's wrong with me, is the impression I leave on them that strong, is that wrong? Do I make them fall in love with me and desert them?  
  
Sweet Nareem, he never hurt a fly, he risked his world to save mine. He loved me, was he even obsessed with me? His computer system at home had a voice, my voice. Now he's dead, and I can fool myself saying that it wasn't my fault…. this time. It was not my direct influence that got him killed but he's still not alive.  
  
No matter how hard I try, someone ends up getting hurt, or killed. I can say one thing: the Colonel, he's still alive. He hasn't died and he said he loved me. You would think due to my history it would be as if he had signed his death warrant but hasn't been, yet.  
  
But I guess it was, because I never felt anything back, my feelings towards the rest were mixed confused but they were still there. Jack's well, my friend, sure he has to be my one of my most attractive friend. Hey, if he came up to me in a bar and asked me to dance, I would hardly say no, but love him? I don't. He's my CO; I trust him with my life but not my heart. It's the safest way. I can't let myself get too close because now it has all fallen apart……  
  
I am in love now and now he's dying. It was too late to tell him how I really felt. I hope he knew, I wanted to say those words…. but I couldn't. I told him he hoped he knew how I felt but he could have interpreted it anyway. I should have and now I will never see him again. My best friend, my soul mate, my love is gone and now I mourn. I mourned for my other…. Flies? Am I really a black widow and the men are just caught in my web?  
  
But him, he was different. He never told me how he felt. Never shared his affections with me, never…. And now I don't know. I had my final chance and I blew it. He was in pain and I could do nothing, except make it worse. I used the Goa'uld hand device and I made it worse. He went into shock and then I did nothing. I could barely even sit by his bed when he was dying.  
  
After all these years I finally found the man I love dearly and I let him slip away. He didn't even have to love me to die. My affection killed him, like it did the others…but its even worse than that.  
  
Is he really dead? The colonel said he isn't, he said he went to a better place. Don't we call that heaven? Then he must be dead but I still sense him. It sounds stupid but I do. Being in his office now I almost expect to turn round and see him there. I look through at his notes at his desk. His desk, no one had moved a thing since…. everything is still the same. The same littered space with papers, an array of artefacts from different cultures and still the coffee cups stained from the residue. He's left his mark…I want to move on. I can never forget him; I will never stop loving him. I just want to know where he is: I can't stand not knowing. I now know how a person feels if they lost a love one and never found the body. The families of all the soldiers classed under 'Missing In Action'. You never want to see the body but least you can be sure….but I can't move on, not still unsure. I may have his body but where is his soul? Where is Daniel?  
  
I always thought I was a loving person, but if to love me, kill's men then how can I be loving? Maybe all I need to know is break the curse but how many more people need to be killed for me to hold onto love? Will I? Is it wrong of me to want happiness?  
  
Perhaps I should just give up on love before anyone else gets hurt? You see I am a Black widow; get too close and you'll be trapped in my web. 


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